I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize