Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
