I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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