I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
