Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
