Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
