Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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