i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
