THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
