So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
