I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
