Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
