Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
