there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
