Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Randomize
