Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
