I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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