Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
