Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
