end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
