I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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