im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
