You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
