3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
