the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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