At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize