I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
