You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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