Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
