It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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