So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
