we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
