is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I love you.
Bad choice
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
