Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
