Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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