so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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