She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
