first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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