I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
