Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
