Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
zippers are such a cool invention
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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