Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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