What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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