seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
