Small penises have feelings too.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize