Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
her vagine was all disorganized.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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