I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
