did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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