Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
