Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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