420 ftw
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My feet surprised me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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