i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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