I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Found the puke drawer
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
