I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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