Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
