I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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