Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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