Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
