I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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