i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize