i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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