got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
