seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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