It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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