Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize