Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
