I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
