I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
