I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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