he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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